All I Need is a Sign
by Mamaverd
Summary: Andy said yes, and then she left. After two years of pining for the woman of his dreams, he just needs a sign to know that they aren't over before they've even begun.


**A/N: I tried to get this posted before week 2 but this is me and by now, you all know how I roll . I loved the Season three premiere! Lots of McSwarek interaction, a little humor, a dash of angst and well…..just a recipe for yummy. Wanted to share all of Sam's thoughts, ….according to me that is. Just a one shot.**

**Lines from the show are in bold italics.**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing/no one Rookie Blue.**

**All I Need Is A Sign**

Today was the day. The day he had been both dreading and longing for the past three months. He remembers the beginning which apparently turned out to be the end.

_Injuries aside, memories of Brennan catalogued for the time being, all he could think about was her, talking to her, being with her. He sat patiently in the division parking lot waiting for her to exit. The second he caught a glimpse of her black jacket and huddled form he rolled his truck up next to her._

_He lowered the window, __**"Hey."**_

_She paused before timidly approaching his truck._

"_**What happened?" **__he asked_

"_**I got suspended. You?"**_

_He hesitated before answering, __**"I got yelled at, and then I got suspended." **__Sam could immediately see the guilt on her face._

"_**Sam…" **__He could not have her blame herself, not even for a second._

"_**Wanna try being normal together?"**_

_Andy grinned, __**"Now how are we gonna do that?"**_

"_**I dunno. I have no idea." **__he answered honestly. He really had no clue but he would figure it out, whatever it took._

_She had smiled back at him, that beautiful McNally smile. The one that seemed to melt him every time. More importantly, she had said yes to the first of many questions he hoped to ask her in this lifetime._

_He had driven her to Traci's that night. He knew she was feeling guilty but he had hoped that their talk on the ride over had eased her fears that she held any responsibility for what happened to him. They kissed gently before she jumped down from the truck. She shut the passenger door and smiled again before hoisting her bag up on her shoulder and walking up to the house._

Little did he know it would be the last time he saw her, for ninety days or eternity as far as he was concerned.

He had gotten yelled at, scolded and threatened by Frank, his friend of many years,…. suddenly not so friendly.

"_Sam, I'm telling you, no contact with McNally. None. You guys are knee deep in shit right now." Sam went to interject but Frank held up his hand. "Swarek, this is not a discussion, no contact, do you understand? It's not forever. It's three months. I need you to follow the rules this time. After three months is up you two can do whatever you want, PROVIDED it is not at work! Understood?" When Sam hesitated, "Understood?"_

"_Yes sir."_

_Sam grabbed his bag and made his way to his truck. He did understand, he really did. They had broken the rules and now they were being punished. What the sarge didn't understand was that he loved this girl, had been in love with this girl for almost two years and they finally had a chance to be together and there was no way he could stay away for three days let alone three months. It just wasn't gonna happen._

Until it did, of course. Happen. He gave it two days. That was all he could stand not to hear her voice. She didn't answer her phone. He left a message which went to her voice mail and then went unreturned. He kept in the loop through Jerry who was being fed his info through Traci. That's how he found out that she had finally closed on her new condo. She had moved in and was trying to get settled. He would have loved to be the one who helped her move in, but he guessed that she didn't want to bother him. He would have liked to have heard all about it from her but he understood that she was really busy. At least these were the excuses that he was telling himself. He was thrilled to see her number light up his caller id one day. She spoke briefly, just letting him know that she was going away. She couldn't take a chance at jeopardizing their jobs again. She couldn't stand to not see him but the rules were the rules and she couldn't break them this time. So she left Toronto and in affect him. He wasn't dumb, he had realized after the unreturned call, and the non-contact that she had changed her mind but he still didn't want to believe it. The next day he got an email from her.

"Dear Sam,

I leave tomorrow for Temagami. I'll be back on the 24th. I've attached my itinerary in case anyone needs to reach me. See you when I get back…..I'll miss you.

I'm so sorry,

Andy"

Sam had printed out the itinerary and then crumpled it into a ball. The ball sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom for weeks before he tried to flatten it out and post it on his fridge. She left. She bailed. He had been willing to give up his job and she was willing to just… give up. It would have been simple to just walk away like she did; unfortunately he wasn't that strong or that stupid. How could he walk away from the best thing to ever happen to him?

He kept busy for the next few weeks. He built a new bookcase, visited with Sarah, and worked in his yard. It helped to keep his mind occupied until it was nighttime and then it would hit him like a ton of bricks. He would think of their time together and his heart would ache. He had finally gotten what he wished for for so long and then it was taken away, again. He had thought that he had meant the same to her but apparently his gut feeling had failed him this time. Fortunately on the 9th of the month he had gotten a call from headquarters that his tribunal was set for the next day. He laid out his uniform, his boots and his badge in anticipation of the next afternoon.

* * *

"Officer Swarek, you were suspended for conduct unbecoming. You are here before us to plead your case for reinstatement. What say you?"

"I understand my punishment. Officer McNally and I broke protocol and we are being reprimanded for that…."

Captain Parish the head of the tribunal council interrupted Sam, "Your relationship with Officer McNally was detrimental to the case and to the safety of all involved."

"No disrespect sir, but my personal life is none of anyone's business and in no way did it effect my ability to do my job."

"You don't think that the fact that you were romantically involved with another officer while you were in deep cover would possibly affect your job performance? Are you forgetting that you quite possibly could have lost your life as well?"

"I did my job to the best of my abilities. If there was any danger to my life it was due to shoddy information given to me by my handler, Donovan Boyd. If not for Officer McNally, I might never have been found. By the way, where is Boyd in all of this?"

"Detective Boyd is being dealt with." He said decisively. "We are still continuing to unravel his role in all of this. Now Officer, is there anything else you would like to add before we deliberate?"

Sam swallowed hard before continuing.

"I have been on the job for over twelve years. I have multiple commendations on my record. I am a good cop, who loves what he does and I feel my record alone should be enough to convince you that this is where I belong."

They had dismissed him to deliberate his fate. A half hour later Sam was informed that the group had unanimously voted for his immediate reinstatement. They may not have liked his coloring outside the lines but they knew a good copper when they saw one. Oliver and Noelle were in the squad room waiting when he came out. They had heard through Frank that Sam was being put back in rotation.

"So I heard we get to see your ugly mug around here again?" said Oliver

"Aw, you guys missed me didn't ya?"

They both hugged him. Both dying to ask if he had seen or heard from Andy but neither really wanting to know the answer to that question.

* * *

For the next two weeks Sam worked every shift he could. It felt great to be back at work but riding around without Andy, without seeing her, was a constant reminder that while he had been reinstated, he was **still** being punished.

* * *

THE 24th

Sam woke up with an equal sense of elation and dread. He made his way to parade with his usual black coffee. He stood emotionless with Oliver outside the parade room which was nearly filled.

"_**Big day today, huh?"**_ Oliver asked.

"_**Oh yeah, why's that?"**_ Sam asked more aloof that he actually felt.

"_**McNally, tribunal….no reason."**_

"_**Wouldn't know." **_Sam responded the words bitter off his tongue.

Frank and Noelle proceeded to inform Sam of the new rules around 15. They knew what a rule guy he was.

Sam didn't flinch at the barbs thrown his way. Apparently three months was not quite enough time for Frank to completely get over his friend's indiscretions.

Sam checked the board on his way out. He would be patrolling alone and he couldn't have been happier. He made his way out to unit 1521. He paused briefly on the hood to check his phone for Andy's flight information. The flight was due as scheduled, he would have plenty of time to head to the airport and the squad car would save him the time of having to find parking.

Fifteen minutes later Sam pulled up at the terminal and parked in the unloading zone. _So much for rules._

He made his way to the arrival gate with the sign that read DUMMY. He had written on a page that he ripped out of the officer's procedural book in the squad car. As he grinned to himself, he wasn't sure who the sign was really referring to, her or him.

He saw her descending the escalator and tried to regulate his breathing. As always, she looked beautiful. Her hair was darker and cut differently but when she saw him there was that same beautiful smile. It took every fiber in his being not to smile back, not to reach out for her and never let her go but he was mad or so that's what he kept telling himself.

She came to stand in front of him and grabbed the sign out of his hands. She stepped forward but he dismissed her and turned to walk away.

"_**Any baggage?"**_ _Between the two of them, tons!_

"_**No."**_

He paused as he heard her say _**"Yeah."**_

Twenty minutes, three bags and a paddle later he led her toward the car.

"_**What does a person buy in North Bay?"**_ Sam questioned as he made his way through the crowd.

"_**Camping gear, sleeping bags, there's a lot of great stuff in fleece."**_ She recounted.

"_**Did you have a good time?"**_ he asked dripping with sarcasm. She turned and stopped in front of him.

"_**You know, I told you exactly what I was doing."**_ He stood rooted in front of her as she tried to explain.

"_**I called you. I emailed you before I left. I couldn't contact you during the suspension. I didn't know how to do that. Ya know? ….I didn't know how not to see you."**_

"_**So you ran away to Temagami?"**_ he said obviously frustrated.

"_**Well, it was something."**_ She shrugged her shoulders.

* * *

The ride from the airport to the highway was made in complete and uncomfortable silence. If she didn't get that he was upset by now, there was really no hope for them. He was trying to keep up his strong façade but the truth was that he had turned to putty on the inside the second he saw her. All he wanted was a sign of something. That she missed him or she was sorry or she couldn't live without him. He had fully accepted that he would take any combination just to know that she was in this as much as he was. They had been through so much together and then for her to just stop it before it started was beyond frustrating to him.

He couldn't give her the cold shoulder forever, _**"So, where ya headed?"**_

"_**Home. I've got tribunal at four. Figure I'll take a shower and practice my speech."**_

"_**Your speech, whatdya got, whatcha gonna say?"**_

"_**The truth."**_ She said.

"_**Okay Officer McNally, three months suspension for conduct unbecoming, what have you learned?"**_ The question was hardly rhetorical.

"_**I've learned my lesson, the hard way."**_ She glanced in his direction before continuing. _**"And I have followed every rule of the suspension, to the letter and I will continue to do so if you reinstate me. I am here to keep my emotions in check, to protect and serve because that is my job and God knows I love my job."**_

"_**That's a pretty good speech."**_ He heard the words come out of his mouth, hopefully she didn't sense the displeasure on his face, he doubted she knew him that well.

A call suddenly came over the radio to which he quickly responded avoiding further comment.

"_**So what, what did you say?"**_ she asked.

"_**It was great. I blamed it all on you."**_

"_**Sam."**_ She interjected frustrated.

"_**I told them my personal life was none of their business and it had not gotten in the way of me doing my job. Same thing I told you three months ago."**_

"_**Yeah, well I'm not in the same position as you." **_She replied.

"_**Three months ago I asked you if you wanted to try being normal together, you said yes….."**_

The cruiser crashing into a van cut off any further conversation. _So much for being an excellent driver Sammy._

Once they reality of the crash had come to light they both transformed into cop mode. Quickly assessing the drivers for injuries and calling for an ambulance. Within seconds Nash and Epstein were on scene and were calling for backup.

Oliver didn't even attempt to hide his displeasure of Sam's disregarding of staying away from all things McNally. As they went to look for the girl who went missing from the accident site, Oliver was looking to keep Andy's name out of his notes and out of Sam's sights. As far as Sam was concerned, even as upset as he was with her, he was looking for any reason to have her close to him.

Most of the afternoon was spent piecing together the case of Alice McLeod. Alice was a 14 year old girl who had been missing since she was 7. She had disappeared at a fair when she became separated from her grandfather. Despite the seriousness of the case, Sam didn't hesitate to throw jabs in Andy's direction any chance that he could. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't help himself. He was feeling something that he never felt and would never admit to feeling. Desperation. It had been hours since he had first seen her at the airport and still she had made no attempt to say or do anything that might lead him to believe that she wanted them to be together.

A very old case solved and grandfather and granddaughter reunited, it seemed like everyone was heading for the Penny to celebrate. Everyone but Sam that is. He overheard Diaz and Epstein talking about going to the Penny as soon as they heard if Andy would be reinstated. Sam already knew she was. Oliver had given him the thumbs up as he walked out of the locker room. He had shrugged his shoulders as if to say "Who cares?" The only flaw in that plan was that he did care. He cared way too much. He cared that she had been suspended in the first place, that she had been banned from seeing him and most importantly he cared that she didn't seem to care. The last place he wanted to be was near Andy, torturing himself all over again. He made his way across the station almost unscathed. He caught a glimpse of Andy hugging Nash out of the corner of his eye. He had put his head down and almost made it to the exit when he heard someone call out his name. He ignores it and kept on walking. Again he heard his name and there Andy was trying to catch up to his stride.

"_**Hey."**_ He said.

"_**Hey."**_ She said back her smile threatening to take over her face.

He wanted to smile back, he really did but the three month exile was still the first thing on his mind.

"_**Uh, thanks for your help today and uh congratulations, I'm glad your back."**_

He couldn't even look at her, he knew how hollow the sentiment sounded.

"_**That's it? You're just leaving?"**_ her indifference now matched his own.

"_**Why, what'dya want?"**_ his question was met with a look of disbelief but he didn't give her a chance to say anything.

"_**McNally, you left okay? After everything that happened between us, you cut it off because some guy with a white shirt told you to." **_He tried hard to keep his voice from rising.

"_**Kay, you break all the rules, you do whatever you want, but that's not me. I'm only two years on this job, a job I really love." **_she shot back defensively.

"_**All you wanted was to keep being a cop, all I wanted was you."**_ There, he had said it. He knew it was immature to just walk away but he preferred not to have this discussion in the station hallway. He was never one to be open about his feelings but the truth was he was hurt, and this time he had said the exact thing that was on his mind. She had chosen the job over him and the difference was, there had been no choice for him to make. He would choose her every time. As he exited the station he thought to himself, the only choice he would make tonight would be between scotch and whiskey. He jumped into his truck and sped home.

* * *

The thing is, he could be as tough and indifferent as he wanted…the truth was that he was heartbroken. He had never felt such a connection to someone ever before and that was even before they had gotten together. So he could give her the cold shoulder and act like his world wasn't reeling but anyone who knew him, really knew him would know that he was full of crap. He had pretended for two years. He contemplated this fact as he glanced at her suitcase in the front seat of his truck. He pulled in his driveway and locked up the truck. He grabbed a beer, flipped on the hockey game and sat in his favorite chair. His mind torn between the game and what he was considering doing. He warmed himself up leftover meatloaf and as he ate planned out what he would do and say when he got to Andy's, for the sole purpose of dropping off her luggage. _Yeah right._

He knew her address, not that he had been there but yeah he had passed there a dozen or so times over these past three months. Hoping for a glimpse….. well,…. hoping for something. It was 8:00 now. Hopefully she was home by now. He grabbed his keys off the counter and headed for her condo.

* * *

As he walked up to the building entrance he was organizing his thoughts. He decided to rip off the band aid and would ask her flat out if she wanted to be together. If she showed the slightest hesitation, he would leave and tomorrow things would go back to normal, the old normal. Whatever that was. He was hoping that she was just give him something, a look, a word, anything that would let him know that those three months sucked for her as well.

He knocked at the door and within moments heard the padding of feet approaching. As she pulled open the door he swiftly shoved the oar into her hand. He rolled her suitcase in and with one quick kick righted it against the wall.

"_**Your stuff was in my truck, I threw it in there after the accident. I didn't know if you needed something for tomorrow. Or today."**_ He said as he dropped the last bag on the floor. She hadn't uttered a word so he took that as his cue to head out the door. Suddenly she was blocking his exit,

"_**Sam please, just stay, PLEASE stay."**_ Her hand rested on his chest. _**"Look.."**_ he pushed forward again. _**"Sam don't. Just hear me out…. I'm sorry. I know I said yes,…. I Meant Yes."**_ He was listening_**. "I thought about you every day, I missed you EVERY SINGLE DAY."**_ She really had his attention now_**. "I don't know if what I did was the right thing, but I did it…Come on, we finally have the chance to start over, not even start over….. but to start." **_

Sam couldn't handle it, she looked so sad and so sincere. He couldn't put on the tough guy act anymore.

"_**Kay."**_ Relief spread over his body. _She thought about him every day, she missed him every single day._ That was good enough for him. He turned around and slowly walked to the sofa. _Now what._ Fortunately Andy followed his lead and came to sit next to him. He almost laughed when he saw that stupid paddle still in her hand. He might have had he not been so aware of how close she was to him. How her shoulder touched his, how her thigh was pressed right up against his own and how good she smelled, like baby powder and vanilla and just… He didn't know what to do now. So much nervous energy had his fingers tapping against the inside of his thighs. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Andy's hands folded in her lap. He was consoled by the fact that she seemed nervous as well. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore.

"_**So how do we start?"**_ Five simple words with so much meaning behind them. How do we start our being normal or how does their story start? Either way, he had to know the answer…immediately.

He didn't look at her but smirked just waiting for her to say something. When she didn't respond he turned to look at her, she looked nervous and sad …..and he wasn't sure what else. He couldn't stop staring, between her eyes and her lips….. he was in a fog. Happily, she looked like she was in the same trance. He could have stared all night at her until she gave a little tug on the side of her mouth and he was a goner. He leaned in ever so slightly and she immediately met his lips. After months of second guessing, too many sleepless nights and a day filled with anxiety and torment, only one thought was going through his mind at that moment…_Finally._

**A/N: Couldn't stop replaying that scene at Andy's place. Had to get this down so I could go back to functioning in my everyday life. LOL**

**Lisa**


End file.
